Friday, March 28, 2008

a moral delima

I had the oddest conversation with my principal today. The jaded side of me says that he had a life coach walk him through our conversation before we had it. There's a tiny part of me that thinks maybe he means some of what he says.

It went something like this:

Mr. Arredondo: I just want you to know I think you're an amazing teacher and you do amazing things for this school. Blah, blah, blah. You're really great.

Me: Thanks, I really appreciate it.

Arredondo: And I want you to know that any mistakes I've made this year I really apologize for. I know the working environment hasn't always been great, but the work you've done has been.

Me: thank you for your apology.

Me in my head: woah, hold the heck up. Did you just seriously apologize? You just acknowledged personal fault? You just allowed for the fact that maybe you made this a not fun place to work? Woah, hang on, I think I need to take some cleansing breaths here. I'm in shock.

Arredondo: I'm just wondering if you'll be returning and I hope you're thinking of the children and how much we need you here next year.

Me: I've yet to decide what my plans are for next year.

Me in my head:
crap that's a lie, I'm a bad person.

Well, I know you've got one foot out the door. You've taken a lot of personal days and such...

Me: I am fully committed to my teaching here and resent that I have to justify taking a sick day.

Me in my head: see, this is where you want to decide never to go off what the life coach tells you because then you become your totally offensive, condescending self and make me not want to work for you or believe anything you say.

Arredondo: well, again you're great. Blah, blah, blah. Anything we can do to keep you, let me know.

thanks, I will.

I feel kind of horrible about lying. I've been waging an internal battle with myself all day because I don't like being dishonest. My reason for being dishonest is because my principal is so petty and I really don't want it to come back on my students. Right now he thinks there is still maybe a chance he can keep me so he's really watching his step. If he finds out that not only am I leaving, but I'm leaving for a school down the street, I can't imagine how personally he'd take it. Petty and vindictive are words I would use in a character analysis of him. I'm pretty sure I can take anything he's got, but I don't want my students to suffer because I get put on the bad list.

But then I go back to the lying and how that's not the type of person I want to be. And I can't shake it.

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